Negotiations - In the Beginning...

First... I think anybody who is even considering playing in the BDSM community - no matter the level should read SM 101 by Jay Wiseman in its entirety. It doesn't mean you have to agree with every sentence written, but it is important that everybody understand the scope of this kind of play/lifestyle. 

Here is a piece he wrote and has actively encourage people to read, copy and reference when it comes to negotiations. I think it is a great starting point with any new or potential play partners. 

Depending on the source, there are some that say that a majority of the limits list should be written and given to the the D-type by the s-type. There are others that say that it should be a sit down and gone through together. I am more in favor of the second. Why, because you have a feel for what your scene(s) will be like. Sure as a bottom you can say that single tail whips are off limits, but if the top feels like he is a pro at that type of toy, it is good to know that a head of time and that this may not be the best matching for play. All scenes should be enjoyable to both parties - I do not buy into a growing belief that it is all about the bottom/s-type. However, either way you do it, make sure you do it. Communication is the key to avoid, injury, limits and breaching boundaries.

Jay Wiseman Speaks on "Negotiation"

Hi folks,

I have a "perverse" confession to make: I love negotiation. I'm an absolute slut for it. It's one of my favorite things to do and, when I'm asked to appear before an SM club, it's my preferred topic to speak about.

Negotiation is a "fundamental fundamental" skill. I have found that a skillfully conducted pre-session negotiation almost guarantees a satisfying session. I've further found that such negotiation absolutely does not harm the energy or excitement of the play that results from it. On the other hand, my experience is that rushed or sloppy pre-play negotiations are the single most common cause of a scene ending badly.

I've also found that negotiation need not be overly time-consuming. I can usually complete my pre-play negotiations with another experienced player in five to ten minutes if we're in close agreement regarding what we want to do. On the other hand, if I hit a major snag somewhere, that can be a strong clue that maybe we're not really that compatible (much as my lust would wish it otherwise) and perhaps we really need to talk a bit more before we rush into things.

Over the years, I've found that almost all aspects of a scene fall within one of 16 categories. When I'm negotiating play with a new partner, I cover these 16 points. That can seem like a lot to remember, so I've created a mnemonic device to help me keep track of them -- and it works quite nicely. In the eight years that I've been using this "16 point" approach to negotiate a first-time play date, I've yet to have a bad session with someone if I've first gotten clear agreement on all 16 points.

I'm passing them along to you. On one hand, I don't represent this as a "perfect" approach to negotiation that will work for all people in all situations. On the other hand, my years of experience with it, and the many reports that I've received from other people who've also used this approach, is that it does work pretty well for most people in most situations. Comments and suggestions for improvement are, of course, welcome.

These are the negotiation "long" and "short" forms as they appear in the second edition of my book, "SM 101: A Realistic Introduction" (available from many leather stores or erotic boutiques, or from Greenery Press, 3739 Balboa # 195, San Francisco, CA 94121 or www.bigrock.com/~greenery/ on the web).

While I'm retaining copyrights, please feel free to copy and use these for your own personal sessions, or to pass them along as long as no money changes hands. If you'd like to put them on your web page or otherwise publish them, please contact Greenery Press as noted above for permission.

Regards,

Jay

The 16 aspects of almost all SM play are as follows: people, roles, place, time, oops, limits, sex, intoxicants, bondage, pain, marks, humiliation, safewords, opportunities, follow-up, and "anything else?" The first letters of these words, respectively, are: P, R, P, T, O, L, S, I, B, P, M, H, S, O, F, and A. I've devised a saying to help you remember them. The first letter of each word matches the first letter of a negotiation point.

"Placing Ropes Properly Tight Only Lets Sex Intensify. Binding Penises May Hurt, So Only F*** Animals."

Its delightful nonsense-ness helps you remember it. (Please don't f*** any animals. I only put that word in because its vividness will help you remember the saying. I oppose bestiality.)

To review:
Placing
Ropes
Properly
Tight
Only
Lets
Sex
Intensify
Binding
Penises
May
Hurt
So
Only
F***
Animals People
Roles
Place
Time
Oops
Limits
Sex
Intoxicants
Bondage
Pain
Marks
Humiliation
Safewords
Opportunities
Follow-up
Anything else?

Say this aloud a few times. Write it down. Post it somewhere. With only a little repetition, it's easy to remember and use. Here are a few, admittedly _very_ brief, comments about each point. They are covered in further detail in one of the negotiation forms to follow and, of course, in the book itself. (Note: I use the terms "dominant" and "submissive" mainly as a non-slang style choice, not to specify a particular type of play.)

1. People: Who will take part?
2. Roles: Who will be dominant? Who will be submissive?
3. Place: Where will the session occur?
4. Time: When will the session begin and how long will it last?
5. Oops: Both parties agree that any accidents, miscommunications, etc. will be handled in a constructive manner.
6. Limits: Mainly covers the submissive's physical and emotional limits.
7. Sex: It's crucial to agree clearly and specifically, _before_ beginning the session, about exactly what kind of conventional sexual contact, if any, is mutually acceptable.
8. Intoxicants: Don't play if either of you is seriously drunk or stoned.
9. Bondage: Who will be tied up? To what extent?
10. Pain: How does the submissive feel about receiving pain?
11. Marks: Will it cause the submissive problems if the session leaves marks?
12. Humiliation: This can include "verbal abuse," forced exhibitionism, water sports, enemas, slapping the face, spitting, and scat games.
13. Safewords: I recommend using at least two safe words: one for "lighten up" and one for "stop completely."
14. Opportunities: Is there anything either person has wanted to try?
15. Follow-up: What arrangements can be made for the two people to spend "straight time" together after the scene?
16. Anything else? Is there anything else to discuss or negotiate about before beginning?

The following forms are intended for use when two people are meeting to play (a) privately and (b) for the first time. If either is not the case, please modify as needed.

NEGOTIATION LONG FORM
(Recommended for novices) (Please use the back of the form if additional space is needed.)
1. PEOPLE:
Who (only) will take part?________________________________________________
Who (only) will watch?___________________________________________________
Will any permanent record (photographs, audiotapes, videotapes, etc.) be made of the session? Yes_____ No_____
Explanation__________________________________________________________
2. ROLES:
Who will be dominant?_________________________________________________
Who will be submissive?_________________________________________________
Type of scene: master/slave mistress/slave captive age play servant/butler/etc. cross-dressing/gender play animal play other_________________________
Any chance of switching roles? Yes_____ No_____
Explanation:___________________________________________________________
Will the submissive promptly obey? Yes_____ No_____ Explanation:___________________________________________________________
May the dominant "overpower" or "force" the submissive? Yes_____ No____ Explanation:___________________________________________________________
May the submissive verbally resist? Yes_____ No_____ Explanation:___________________________________________________________
May the submissive physically resist? Yes_____ No_____ Explanation:___________________________________________________________
Does resistance equal a "strong yellow"? Yes_____ No_____ Explanation:___________________________________________________________
May the submissive try to "turn the tables:? Yes_____ No_____
Does the submissive agree to wear a collar? Yes_____ No_____
Explanation:___________________________________________________________
The submissive agrees to address the dominant by the following title(s): ____________________________________________________________________
3. PLACE:
Location:_____________________________________________________________
Who will ensure privacy?_________________________________________________
4. TIME:
Begin at:__________ Length:________________________
Beginning signal:_______________________________________________________
Ending signal:_________________________________________________________
Who will keep track of time?______________________________________________
5. OOPS:
Does everybody involved understand that there is some risk of accident, miscommunication, misperception, and/or unintentional injury? Yes___ No___
Does everybody involved agree to discuss any mishaps in a constructive and non-blaming manner? Yes_____ No_____
6. LIMITS:
Submissive's limits: Any problems with the submissive's... heart: yes/no lungs: yes/no neck/back/bones/joints: yes/no kidneys: yes/no liver: yes/no nervous system/mental: yes/no
Explanation:__________________________________________________________
Is the submissive wearing contact lenses? Yes_____ No_____
Does the submissive suffer from carpal tunnel syndrome or any related problems?
Yes_____ No_____
Does the submissive have a history of... seizures: yes/no dizzy spells: yes/no diabetes: yes/no high or low blood pressure: yes/no fainting: yes/no asthma: yes/no hyperventilation attacks: yes/no
Explanation:_________________________________________________________
Describe any phobias:__________________________________________________
Submissive's other medical conditions:_____________________________________
Any surgical implants (breast, face, etc.)? Yes_____ No_____
Explanation:__________________________________________________________
Is the submissive taking aspirin? Yes_____ No_____
Is the submissive taking ibuprofin, Aleve, or other non-steroidal, anti-inflammatory drugs? Yes_____ No_____
Is the submissive taking antihistamines? Yes_____ No_____
Other medications the submissive is taking:_________________________________
Is the submissive allergic to... bandage tape: yes/no nonoxynol-9: yes/no Other allergies:_________________________________________________________
In case of emergency notify:______________________________________________
Dominant's Limits: Any problems with the dominant's... heart: yes/no lungs: yes/no neck/back/bones/joints: yes/no kidneys: yes/no liver: yes/no nervous system/mental: yes/no
Explanation:___________________________________________________________
Dominant's other medical conditions:______________________________________
Medications the dominant is taking:_______________________________________
In case of emergency notify:______________________________________________
Is the dominant currently certified in First Aid and CPR: yes/no Safety gear on hand... paramedic scissors: yes/no flashlight: yes/no first aid kit: yes/no blackout light: yes/no fire extinguisher: yes/no
Will the play be in an isolated area such as a farmhouse? Yes_____ No_____
If yes, what will ensure the submissive's safety if the dominant becomes unconscious? no bondage to chair/bed/etc.: yes/no no gag: yes/no silent alarm: yes/no third person present: yes/no telephone/radio/panic button within submissive's reach: yes/no
Other:________________________________________________________________
7. SEX
Does any participant believe they might have a sexually transmitted disease?
Yes_____ No_____
Explanation:___________________________________________________________
Does any participant believe they might have herpes? Yes_____ No_____
Explanation:___________________________________________________________
Have participants been tested for HIV? Yes_____ No_____
Has any participant tested positive? Yes_____ No_____
Explanation:___________________________________________________________
Circle which of the following sexual acts are acceptable:
Masturbation: dominant to submissive submissive to dominant self-masturbation by submissive self-masturbation by dominant
Fellatio: dominant to submissive submissive to dominant
Cunnilingus: dominant to submissive submissive to dominant
Analingus: dominant to submissive submissive to dominant
Vaginal fisting: dominant to submissive submissive to dominant
Anal fisting: dominant to submissive submissive to dominant
Vaginal intercourse: dominant to submissive submissive to dominant
Anal intercourse: dominant to submissive submissive to dominant
Is swallowing semen acceptable? Yes_____ No_____
Is any participant menstruating? Yes_____ No_____
Will sex toys such as vibrators, dildoes, butt plugs, etc. be used? Yes/No
If yes, describe:_______________________________________________________
Which of the above activities will involve birth control pills, diaphragms, spermicidal suppositories, lubricants containing nonoxynol-9, or contraceptive foams/suppositories/gels?__________________________________
Which of the above activities will involve condoms, gloves, dental dams, and/or other barriers?____________________________________________________
8. INTOXICANTS
The dominant can use (only) the following intoxicants during the session: ___________________________________________________________________
Acceptable quantity:____________________________________________________
The submissive can use (only) the following intoxicants during the session: ____________________________________________________________________
Acceptable quantity:____________________________________________________
9. BONDAGE
The submissive agrees to allow (only) the following types of bondage...
hands in front: yes/no
hands behind back: yes/no
ankles: yes/no
knees: yes/no
elbows: yes/no
wrists to ankles (hog-tie): yes/no
spreader bars: yes/no
tied to chair: yes/no
tied to bed: yes/no
use of blindfold: yes/no
use of gag: yes/no
use of hood: yes/no
use of rope: yes/no
use of tape: yes/no
use of leather cuffs: yes/no
use of handcuffs/metal restraints: yes/no
suspension: yes/no
mummification with plastic wrap, body bag, or similar technique: yes/no
Any past bad experiences by either person with bondage, gags, blindfolds, and/or hoods? Yes_____ No_____
Explanation:___________________________________________________________
10. PAIN
Submissive's general attitude toward receiving pain:
_____likes _____accepts _____neutral _____dislikes _____will not accept
Quantity of pain the submissive wants to receive:
_____none _____small _____average _____large
Explanation:___________________________________________________________
Dominant's general attitude toward giving pain:
____likes ____will give ____neutral ____dislikes ____will not give
Quantity of pain the dominant wants to give:
_____none _____small _____average _____large
Explanation:___________________________________________________________
Will the "now" technique be used? Yes_____ No_____
Explanation:___________________________________________________________
Will the "nod" technique be used? Yes_____ No_____
Explanation:___________________________________________________________
Will the "one to ten" technique be used? Yes_____ No_____
Explanation:___________________________________________________________
The following types of pain are acceptable... spanking: yes/no paddling: yes/no flogging: yes/no caning: yes/no face slaps: yes/no biting: yes/no nipple clamps: yes/no genital clamps: yes/no clamps elsewhere: yes/no locations:_________________ hot creams: yes/no ice: yes/no hot wax: yes/no tickling: yes/no
Other types/methods of pain:_____________________________________________
Additional remarks:_____________________________________________________
11. MARKS
Is it acceptable to the submissive if the play leaves marks? Yes___ No___
Visible while wearing street clothes? Yes____ No____
Visible while wearing a bathing suit? Yes____ No____
Is it acceptable to the submissive if the play draws small amounts of blood? Yes____ No____
Explanation:___________________________________________________________
How easy or difficult has it been to mark the submissive in the past? _____________________________________________________________________
12. EROTIC HUMILIATION
The submissive agrees to accept being referred to by the following terms: _____________________________________________________________________
The submissive agrees to the following forms of erotic humiliation...
"verbal abuse": yes/no
enemas: yes/no
forced exhibitionism: yes/no
spitting: yes/no
water sports: yes/no
scat games: yes/no
face slapping: yes/no
Other:______________________________________________________________
Any prior really good or really bad experiences in these areas?_____________ ___________________________________________________________________
13. SAFEWORDS
Safeword # 1 and its meaning:____________________________________________
Safeword # 2 and its meaning:____________________________________________
Safeword # 3 and its meaning:____________________________________________
Non-verbal safewords and their meaning:____________________________________
Will the "two squeezes" technique be used? Yes____ No____
Will the "extended hand" technique be used? Yes____ No____
14. OPPORTUNITIES/SPECIAL SKILLS
Anything either party would especially like to try or explore? Yes____ No___
Explanation:___________________________________________________________
15. FOLLOW-UP
(Please include a note about who will initiate contacts.)
After the session:_______________________________________________________
The next day:__________________________________________________________
A week later:__________________________________________________________
In the event of a crisis:__________________________________________________
16. ANYTHING ELSE?
No____ Yes____
Explanation:__________________________________________
What will become of this form after the session?_________________________
POST-SESSION NOTES AND FEEDBACK
Dominant Overall feeling about the session on a scale of one-to-ten (ten tops)______
Best part of the session and on a scale of one-to-ten how good was it? _____________________________________________________________________
Worst part of the session and on a scale of one-to-ten how bad was it? ____________________________________________________________________
Other comments:_______________________________________________________
Submissive Overall feeling about the session on a scale of one-to-ten (ten tops)_______
Best part of the session and on a scale of one-to-ten how good was it? ____________________________________________________________________
Worst part of the session and on a scale of one-to-ten how bad was it? ____________________________________________________________________
Other comments:_______________________________________________________

And finally, for those who don't need quite so much detail, here's the shorter form.

NEGOTIATION SHORT FORM

1. People___________________________________________________________
2. Roles___________________________________________________________
3. Place___________________________________________________________
4. Time___________________________________________________________
5. Oops___________________________________________________________
6. Limits___________________________________________________________
7. Sex___________________________________________________________
8. Intoxicants___________________________________________________________
9. Bondage___________________________________________________________
10. Pain___________________________________________________________
11. Marks___________________________________________________________
12. Humiliation___________________________________________________________
13. Safewords___________________________________________________________
14. Opportunities___________________________________________________________
15. Follow-Up___________________________________________________________
16. Anything Else?________________________________________

That's all for now. Happy negotiating, and happy playing!

Regards,
Jay
http://www.greenerypress.com/

Copyright © 1998 Jay Wiseman
Please visit Jay's page JayWiseman.com

 
http://www.greenerypress.com/

Copyright issues footnote: I wrote this article with the hope that it would be widely read and distributed, and without any particular expectation of financial compensation in return for writing it. Therefore, I consent to the following uses of this essay:

1. It's fine with me if you read it.


2. It's fine with me if you send it, in unaltered form and including this copyright issues footnote, in private e-mail to appropriate others.


3. It's fine with me if you post it, as mentioned in point # 2, to newsgroups and closed mailing lists.


4. If you put it up on a private, no-fee-to-access, website, please put it up as mentioned in point # 2 and include a link to the Greenery Press website (http://www.greenerypress.com/).


5. I do require that you get my specific prior permission before putting this article up on a pay-to-access website, putting it in a book or periodical offered for sale, or otherwise charge for any sort of access to it.

Copyright © 1998 Jay Wiseman