The best feeling in the world...

My Kink is NOT a Competition

I love the BDSM community. Most of the time they are open and accepting of each others kinks. They are willing to teach and share knowledge that they have. However, this community seems to have an on-going need to "compete" with each others. 

You hear D-types talking about how much pain their s-types can take. You see s-types comparing impact marks. All of this like it makes you a lesser Dom if your sub is not a pain slut or you are a lesser slave because you are not bleeding at the end of a scene. 

I hold no ill will to those that enjoy extreme -fill in the blank-. I hold no ill will to those that never leave any trace. There have been many play sessions in which Master has marked me up and there have been many when an hour later there are no signs. It is NOT indicative of  how intense our playing was. Or how Mastery or slavey I am. I don't need to compete with others.  

As a general rule I think that many come into this lifestyle trying to see how far they can go. Which is fine, but when they find certain aspects that they don't enjoy, they are afraid to speak up. They are not subby enough or Masterly enough. The beauty that seems to be missed so often about this lifestyle is it is all about balance. You find the partner(s) that fit the best. So yes, a sadist may need a good masochist, but every sub does not need to be one. 

Find your kink and be happy with it. Only you have to live with what it makes you.

Slave Bells

I so want slave bells like these!

Collars

If you read long enough, you run into essays scolding how easy collars are put on and taken off. It is often referred to as a Velcro collar. If you keep reading you will read about how long it should take to get a collar and anything less is not taking it seriously. 

When talking about D/s or M/s relationships you inevitably run into the topic of collars.  For the purpose of this post, we are not talking about protection collars and such... just formal collars.


I read all of this and cry Bull Shit.

And here is why.

When I did my research on collars I likened it to an wedding ring. Whether there is or is not the same level of  commitment... some of that is just a sign of the times. However, as an over all statement, I don't think "time" is a indication of a level of commitment.

Master and I got engaged within 3 months of KNOWING each other and while we lived in different states.  Moved in together 3 months later. Got married almost a year and a half later (trust me it would have been sooner, we just had some outside issues that had to be resolved before we could). We will be celebrating our 6 year anniversary this month.

So the argument of there being a specific time has to be in place for a commitment doesn't fly for me.

And... what works for me may not work for you. Some people need that necessary time.

Having said all this, when Master and I entered into our D/s relationship, he did NOT present me with a collar the next day. Or the next week. Despite being married for 5 years, this was still another commitment. One that we were not taking for granted just because we were married. We decided years ago to get married based on one set of criteria. We were going to decide on a collar on another set.


Since then I have received my collar. I love my collar. He loves my collar. It is a commitment we both understand clearly. I wear my wedding ring understanding the commitment behind it and wear my collar understanding the commitment behind it. They are both very different and unique commitments we take very seriously.

Leashes

When my Master first asked me to write out some things I wanted, didn't want and didn't know... I didn't write a lot. (It took really researching and finding lists of fetishes, activities and behaviors to come up with a much more comprehensive list). However, one of the items I said is that I didn't want to be leashed.


I imagined that to be leashed, it had to be around the neck. While I will say that if he chose to leash me this way it is not a hard limit, it is something I would prefer we not engage in.

Several weeks ago we bought a new simple restraint system that after we got it out of the box we realized... was never going to work for anything. However, he slipped the wrist restraint over my hand and left it there. Then there was a light in his eyes. I immediately grew warm. He got up and pulled on the strap and lead me... with it. I was enthralled.

Since then it is our nightly ritual. We put the kids to bed and get out my leash. He slips it over my wrist as I kneel at his feet. It stays until we go to bed. I have found that I feel safer when he leashes me.

Why do I explain all this? Because there are no hard fast rules for how to engage in a specific activity. If something doesn't work for you in the traditional method, then by all means, alter it so that it does work for you.

**The picture is of an actual product sold on rebubble.com. I do actually like the sign!

Submission... What Is It?

dictionary.com has the definition as:

2

: the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant

3

: an act of submitting to the authority or control of another

When giving the gift of submission to another person, that takes on another meaning all together. Anybody can say they are submissive and obey the orders of a Dom(mes). However, for true submission, it has to begin in their heart. The desire to do what is desired of them. Not just going through the motions, but following rules and direction because it pleases their Dom.

It is not enough to follow what is told to you. It is that desire to follow them for the pleasure of the Dominant.  

A very simplistic example is that many people have the task to make the evening meal. This is not just in D/s relationships, but in everyday relationships - kink or no kink. For many it is just a task that has to get done, and they are the one that chose/are in the position to do it. For those who have this a task of their submission, it is something that is often done with a light heart and a smile because they are bringing comfort and pride to their Master. 

Yes, yes, I know... D/s is not all about what kind of household chores can your Dom(mes) make you do. But to truly break down true submission, you need to see the picture for what it is. It is giving up your will for the will of another with joy in your heart. Their happiness, their pleasure then becomes your own when you truly immerse yourself in that submission. 

Most D/s relationships have some sort of protocol. Some have kneeling, some call their Dom(mes) Sir, Ma'am, Master or Mistress. Some kiss the ground or their Dom(mes) feet when they get home... but some protocols are much more subtle, but just as powerful. While they may sit at the same time as their family, they won't take a bite till their Master takes a bite. They may let them pick out their everyday (non-kink) clothes. 


If simply following directions was all that is need for a good submissive, then none of the above would be needed. These types of displays show that their heart and not just their mind are submissive. 

Like anything else worth having... giving your total submission is not easy. It takes work and constant maintenance. It is a labor of love - but the rewards are so satisfying. It is not a gift to give lightly, and not to just anybody, but when it is done with the right person, there is no doubt that submission is it own treasure